Stop Charging the App, Plug in the Phone: A New Way to Look at a Child’s Willpower.

Your Child Isn’t “Lacking Willpower”—They are Out of Capacity

As parents and educators, we are conditioned to look at a child’s struggle through the lens of behaviour. When a child has a meltdown over a blue bowl, refuses to put on shoes, or “ignores” an instruction, we often ask: “Why won’t they just listen?” or “Where is their willpower?”

We are looking for Regulation (the ability to manage emotions and actions). But regulation is a high-cost luxury item. To afford it, a child needs Capacity.

The Golden Rule of Neuro-Support: Capacity first, regulation second. You cannot regulate a child into having more capacity.

1. What Does “Capacity” Actually Look Like?

Capacity is the total amount of “brain power” a child has available to deal with the world. Think of it as a Daily Allowance.

For a neurotypical child, “putting on shoes” might cost 1 cent. For a neurodivergent child with sensory processing differences or motor-planning challenges, putting on shoes might cost 25 dollars. If that child only woke up with 50 dollars in their “Capacity Bank,” they are already halfway to bankruptcy before they’ve even left the house.

Examples of “Capacity Drains” Parents Often Miss:

• The Sensory Background Noise: A buzzing light or a distant lawnmower isn’t just “annoying”; it is a constant withdrawal from their capacity bank as their brain works overtime to filter it out.
• Social Masking: At school, a child may be “behaving perfectly,” but they are spending every cent of their capacity to do so. When they come home and “explode,” it’s because they are biologically bankrupt.
• Transitions: Shifting from a high-dopamine activity (video games) to a low-dopamine activity (homework) requires a massive “withdrawal” of executive function.

2. The Myth of “Willpower” in Children

When we tell a child to “try harder” or “calm down,” we are assuming they have the capacity to do so and are simply choosing not to. But neuroscience tells us that when capacity is gone, the Prefrontal Cortex (the part of the brain that handles “trying”) literally goes offline.

A child in a “Low Capacity” state is operating from their survival brain. You cannot “willpower” your way out of a survival state. You cannot “consequence” a child into having a higher neurological budget. In fact, punishments and pressure usually drain more capacity, making the behaviour you dislike even more likely to happen.

3. Recognizing the “Low Capacity” Warning Signs

Lack of capacity is often mistaken for “disrespect.” Look for these signs that the battery is hitting 1%:

• Increased Sensory Sensitivity: Suddenly, things that were “fine” are now “too loud” or “too itchy.”
• Loss of Previously Mastered Skills: A child who can usually tie their shoes suddenly “can’t” do it. This isn’t laziness; it’s the brain shedding non-essential tasks to save energy.
• Rigidity: An obsession with things being “just so.” When capacity is low, the brain seeks extreme control to feel safe.

4. How to Build Capacity (Instead of Demanding Regulation)

If you want a child to regulate better, you must stop focusing on the “behaviour” and start focusing on the “budget.”

• Reduce the Friction: If the “blue bowl” causes a meltdown because their capacity is low, just give them the blue bowl. You aren’t “giving in”; you are preserving their limited neurological resources for something more important later.
• Proactive Recovery: Don’t wait for a meltdown to offer a break. Build “Capacity Refuelling” into the day—quiet time, sensory play, or physical movement—before the tank hits zero.
• Co-Regulation: Does the child not have the capacity to calm themselves? Lend them yours. Your calm, regulated presence acts like a “portable charger” for their nervous system.

Change the Question

Stop asking: “How do I get the child to behave?” Start asking: “Does the child have the capacity to meet this demand right now?”

When we prioritize Capacity First, we stop fighting children and start supporting their biology. We move from being “enforcers” to being “engineers” of an environment where they can actually succeed.

This table is designed to help distinguish between a child who is “testing boundaries” (a rare, high-capacity choice) and a child who is simply “out of fuel” (a capacity failure).

By shifting the lens from compliance to capacity, we change the intervention from a lecture to a refill.

Willpower vs. Capacity: The Child’s Diagnostic Table

How to “Spot” a Capacity Failure in Real-Time

As a parent or educator, you can use these three questions to diagnose the situation:

1. “Can they usually do this?” If a child could do a task yesterday but “can’t” today, it’s not a loss of skill—it’s a loss of capacity.
2. “What happened 30 minutes ago?” Capacity is cumulative. A quiet morning leads to high capacity; a loud, chaotic morning leads to a bankrupt afternoon.
3. “Are they seeking or avoiding?” If a child is hiding, covering their ears, or lashing out, they are desperately trying to stop the “withdrawal” of their remaining capacity.

Supporting Evidence for the Child’s Table

• Dr. Ross Greene’s CPS Model: Research shows that “challenging behaviour” occurs when the demands placed on a child exceed the child’s capacity to respond adaptively. It is a “lagging skill” or “lagging capacity,” not a lack of willpower.

The “Capacity First” Script

Instead of saying, “You need to use your willpower to finish your work,” try:

“I can see your brain battery is really low right now. Work feels impossible when we’re at 1%. Let’s take 15 minutes of quiet ‘recharge time’ first, and then we’ll see if we have the capacity to do just the first three problems.”

Research & Frameworks Supporting This Perspective

1. Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (Dr. Ross Greene):
   • His famous mantra, “Kids do well if they can,” is the foundation of the Capacity argument. If a child isn’t doing well, it’s a “clash of demands and skills” (or capacity), not a lack of will.
2. The Spoon Theory (Christine Miserandino):
   • While originally for chronic illness, this is widely used in neurodivergent advocacy to explain finite daily energy. It perfectly illustrates why a child might “run out” of the ability to function mid-afternoon.
3. The “Inverted-U” Relationship (Yerkes-Dodson Law):
   • This psychological principle shows that performance increases with physiological arousal, but only up to a point. When the “load” becomes too great (exceeding capacity), performance and regulation plummet.
4. The Brain-Body Connection (Dr. Mona Delahooke): In her book Beyond Behaviors, she uses neuroscience to show that many “behaviors” are actually “bottom-up” physiological responses to a lack of safety or capacity, rather than “top-down” intentional choices.
5. The Stress-Behavior Connection (Dr. Stuart Shanker): Distinguishes between “Self-Control” (willpower) and “Self-Regulation” (biology). He argues that what looks like a lack of self-control is almost always a physiological stress response—a lack of capacity.
6. Polyvagal Theory in Pediatrics: Explains that when a child’s “Safe and Social” nervous system is drained, they automatically shift into “Fight/Flight.” This is a biological shift that occurs below the level of conscious thought or “will.”

If you’re tired of the constant cycle of meltdowns, power struggles, and “trying harder,” it’s time to change the goal from compliance to capacity. My coaching for parents and educators shifts the focus away from behavioral consequences and toward neurological support. By applying the “Capacity First” framework, I help you identify the invisible drains on a child’s battery—whether they are sensory, cognitive, or emotional—and implement systems that build their resources back up. We work together to bridge the gap between what a child is being asked to do and what their nervous system is actually capable of handling. When we stop demanding regulation from an empty tank and start engineering an environment for success, “behavior” improves as a natural byproduct of a supported brain.

Click here to book a session with me